Some of the most challenging conversations we have are with our own family members. All, too often, we can treat friends and acquaintances, even total strangers, with more respect than we treat our parents, siblings and children. This was probably truer a generation ago than it seems to be today, but I still think you might be able to relate.
During our teen and parent communication classes, we talk about the difference between being assertive, aggressive and passive. The Strengthening Families Program identifies these three ways to describe the actions, attitudes and behaviors often demonstrated in families.
Assertiveness describes a deep respect for self and a concern for others. An assertive person uses a voice tone that is calm and polite, yet firm and controlled. Their body language is confident with erect posture, good eye contact and they show respect for the other person’s space.
Aggressive is different from assertive. This describes a concern mainly for oneself. An aggressive person is willing to get their own way by bullying or threatening others. Their voice tone can be loud, angry, dramatic, accusatory and hostile. Their body language is confrontational and may include finger pointing and eye rolling.
Passive describes a person who is fearful and lacks self-respect. They allow others to dominate and may be masking their anger. Their voice may be weak or whiney. Their body language may include little or no eye contact and they may slump or shrug their shoulders.
As a class we talk about the importance of expressing our needs and feelings about things. In some households, children and teens may not feel that their needs or their opinions matter. We also discuss ways to make our needs known without being argumentative or sarcastic.
Many of us have heard or even said something like “You make me so mad when you (fill in the blank with some action).” This usually sets up the person receiving the message to react in a defensive way. Likewise, it is not healthy to handle situations with a passive response. This might be to say things like “I guess it will have to be okay” or “No one cares what I think anyway.”
An “I” statement allows us to take ownership of our feelings and express a need in a way that is not meant to start an argument. An “I” message focuses on what I am feeling because of an action or situation. “I feel annoyed when you put your feet on my desk. Please take them off.”
There are several habits and practices that can build barriers in communication. Siblings can be tempted to talk to one another in these ways. Here are some to avoid in all communication, especially in family communication.
● Sarcasm: Words that insults a person’s ideas, efforts or intelligence can damage a family member’s sense of self. It affects their desire to bond with other family members. This type of cutting humor is not funny.
● Put-downs: Like sarcasm, these kinds of remarks that mock or put a person down are disrespectful. Instead, choose words that build others up.
● Always and never: Speaking in absolutes exaggerates the truth. Leave these words out.
● Blame game: Blaming sets people against each other instead of working together. The goal should be to find solutions to fix the problem at hand.
● Flooding: Want a surefire way for kids to tune you out? All you need to do is provide extra-long lectures or lots of nagging. Instead, be brief and to the point.
Today, I’ll leave you with this quote from John Powell, “Communication works for those who work at it.”
Emily Marrison is an OSU Extension Family & Consumer Sciences Educator and Assistant Professor at The Ohio State University. She may be reached at 740-622-2265 or marrison.12@osu.edu .
This article originally appeared on Coshocton Tribune: Emily Marrison: Your actions and behavior are seen in the way you communicate
Reporting by Emily Marrison, Special to the Tribune / Coshocton Tribune
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