So here we all sit, trying to get excited about a Super Bowl featuring one team practically from British Columbia and another that’s not worth rooting against because they no longer have the grumpy coach and pretty quarterback.
Quick, name three players from each team.
Aside from the quarterbacks.
There you go. But have no fear, there’s nary an American soul who knows a furlong from a footlong, a sire from a squire, yet none of that blissful ignorance has ever slowed down a Kentucky Derby party.
This weekend, it won’t do a thing to tarnish the taste of those Super Sunday wings and salsa-bathed Tostitos. And it won’t keep your brother-in-law sober.
Just wait till next year, when the Super Bowl is moved a week later, to the Sunday before Presidents Day, and that brother-in-law doesn’t have to go to work the next morning.
A Super good reason for a party and ‘square dancing’
As an occasionally united people, there’s only a couple things we unite around in the way we do around big sporting events. And those are accessories.
In this case — yes, just like Derby Day — we’re talking parties and gambling. Parties without the fancy hats, and gambling without the need to know a damn thing about Cover 2, RPO, or even sticking a foot in the ground and getting downhill.
Generally speaking, as long as there are odds and/or point spreads, gambling is a 50-50 proposition by design. Might as well bet on a coin flip (oh wait, you can do that). But at least you have your own educated hunch to help with the decision.
For instance, the Seahawks are favored by 4½ points. Seattle is good, of course, but also, folks aren’t sold on the Patriots because of their historically easy regular-season schedule. And their postseason wins have been aided by opponents’ lack of quality quarterbacking and, in the conference championship, the lack of a quarterback altogether.
Also, the Pats’ QB, Drake Maye, might have a damaged shoulder. So you look at those 4½ points and make the semi-educated choice of taking Seattle, right? Right.
But let’s say you’re a few beers in and don’t care to conjure an educated hunch. It happens, I’m told. But you still have some laundry money squirming in your pockets. What to do?
Well, thanks to an old Greek named Thales, we have squares to fill before big ballgames. Some 2,625 years ago, give or take, Thales, who hailed from Miletus way back when Greece’s wingspan was really spanning, did some serious thinking about squares.
How to leave a party with cab fare
For eons, what people thought were squares weren’t technically squares, because they weren’t exact. Thales fixed that, and somewhere along the way he stacked up 100 of those squares — 10 across and 10 deep — found someone to draw numbers from a clay jug, and bellowed, “Comissationem habeamus.”
That’s right, party time.
Again, give or take. And sometime leading up to this Sunday, or perhaps on game day itself, every righteous American will plunk down money to buy a square or two (costs vary, of course, depending on the net worth of your companions).
Skip a few paragraphs, if you like, while I quickly explain the squares to the uninitiated.
After each square contains its purchaser’s name (most folks buy more than one), the 10 rows and 10 columns are assigned a number — zero through 10 — after those numbers are drawn. One team is assigned the rows, the other is assigned the columns.
At the end of each quarter, the second (or only) numerals in the teams’ scores meet at a specific square on the board. If Seattle is ahead 13-7, find where the Seahawks’ 3 and Patriots’ 7 intersect. Whoever bought that square wins the money. Hypothetically speaking, Sheriff.
It’s a numbers game, and here are your good numbers
The biggest dummy in the room can win, and maybe more than once. Ask me how I know. Your only “thinking” comes after the numbers are attached to the squares and you try to determine your chances.
Guess who did the research to help with that? You’re welcome.
Here goes: If your number is zero or 7, or maybe even 4 or 1, your odds are better than most. If your number is 2, 8 or 9, enjoy the salsa.
Looking at the final scores of the 59 previous Super Bowls, here’s how often each numeral appeared as the final number in a final score. Yes, could’ve done all 236 Super Bowl quarters so far, but let’s assume we would’ve ended up near the same percentages and also assume I have other things to do.
0: 18 times
1: 14
2: 6
3: 12
4: 15
5: 7
6: 10
7: 20
8: 7
9: 9
It’d be one thing if we could see the assigned numbers before choosing a square, but we can’t. If it’s nothing but a game of pure chance, you likely wonder, why bother listing those numbers and their frequency? Because we don’t waste the rare blast of research around here.
Now, decide which Super Party you’re going to attend, and make sure you have some cash (remember cash?) and a covered dish (no veggies!).
And I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but if you get to the party and don’t see a giant piece of cardboard with 100 squares on it, you’re at the wrong party.
— Email Ken Willis at ken.willis@news-jrnl.com
This article originally appeared on The Daytona Beach News-Journal: Super Bowl squares are a dumb gambler’s dream, and here’s why
Reporting by Ken Willis, Daytona Beach News-Journal / The Daytona Beach News-Journal
USA TODAY Network via Reuters Connect
