Without a lot of fanfare, Mother’s Day has passed for another year. I hope everyone who still has their mother remembered to make her day special. I didn’t remind readers in last week’s column so if you were depending upon me to suggest gifts, you were out of luck. I will say that candy and flowers are always welcome but a visit from you would have meant more to your mother than anything you could buy.
Some adult children don’t like visiting the mother who raised them, especially if she’s in a nursing home. Living in such a facility usually means their mother’s memory isn’t as good as it used to be. This can be frustrating for both parties — the mother who forgot she had children and the children who wish they could still communicate on a cognitive level with the parent. Growing old and failing to recognize people we once called loved ones is not an easy road to travel. Perhaps that’s why many parents are put in places where strangers care for them while children carry on with their lives.
In the old days it wasn’t unusual for multiple generations to share the same house. Grandparents had time to give to grandchildren when their parents were too busy with careers and other responsibilities pulling them away from home. All that’s changed now. People are living longer and enjoying more active lives. I’m surrounded by ladies in their 80s and 90s. Most of these women are widows. Some still drive, still cross the International Bridge to Ontario for a cello concert and still remain fiercely independent. The thought of living with an adult son or daughter is unthinkable.
They wouldn’t dream of claiming the guest bedroom as their permanent residence. It’s not just the loss of freedom they’d miss. It’s a lot worse than that. They’d be apt to voice their opinions on everything from what the kids ate for breakfast to the outlandish clothes they wore to the endless trips to all their activities. In olden days, families owned one car. Mothers usually didn’t have a driver’s license. Kids went to school on the bus unless they lived within walking distance to the schoolhouse. Farm kids went to the barn after school, not to soccer practice, ballet lessons or the indoor skating rink.
Can you imagine the consequences of moving in with your daughter who is president of a university? Or your son, the respected CFO at a local business? Just for a moment think what it would be like. Let’s say your memory is failing. You forget things. You still recognize family members but when you return from an outing, you forget the code that turns off the security system. When this happens, you call your child and bother him at work. By the time he returns home, you’ve forgotten the matter, but your son didn’t. He’s still pouting.
Then there’s the grandkids to consider. You might be 50-60 years older than the youngest. What do you have in common? Absolutely nothing. You might as well be speaking foreign languages. Then there’s all the racket. I don’t mean tennis or handball. I mean racket as in noise. Then there’s the microwave warming something from the freezer instead of a meal being cooked in the oven. Amazon Echo instead of an encyclopedia. Fights over everything. Yelling, crying, bullying and everyone wondering why grandma refuses to exit her room.
Maybe living in a nursing home is a positive prospect. It’s often a quiet place with rules and routines. So perhaps a quick visit, a Mother’s Day hug, a card or a box of candy will suffice. Adult children have done their duty. They can return to their homes and bedlam and not feel one iota of guilt. They didn’t neglect mom on her special day.
To contact Sharon Kennedy, send her an email at sharonkennedy1947@gmail.com. Kennedy’s book, “The SideRoad Kids as Adults,” is available from her or Amazon.
This article originally appeared on The Petoskey News-Review: Did you remember to remember your mother? | Opinion
Reporting by Sharon Kennedy, Community Columnist / The Petoskey News-Review
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