My brother Paul passed away two days after having an aortic dissection. He was pretty good guy … The longer one lives, the more experience one has with death and dying – and the better one gets at dealing with it.With repetition, it gets a little easier.
It’s not anything anyone wants to get good at, but with practice emotions can better be kept in check, words can better be expressed – and the occasional use of humor (unintentional, usually) can help cut through the seriousness of the situation.
After the oldest brother of six siblings passed away in Daytona Beach, the living family members – two brothers and three sisters – were told of the deceased’s daughter’s arrangement to have the body transported to the family’s hometown. The plan was for the brother’s viewing and cremation to be held in Western New York.
Shortly thereafter, the daughter reported that she had arranged for the deceased’s pickup truck to be towed from Florida to Western New York.
“Are they going to tow the body in the truck?” said the youngest brother, eliciting laughter while not meaning to be funny.
The deceased brother had many good qualities. He was honest and intelligent. He was very generous. A good father. A great grandfather. But he also had a reputation for sometimes being stubborn and difficult. He could be a challenge at times for the parents.
The siblings were still not over their parents. They had lost both in recent years, the father losing his battle with kidney disease at 87 years old in 2017. For the mother, it was idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. She passed away at 88 in 2022. The mother, in her final days, was sharp mentally and keenly aware of her declining health. She had joked about her age with hospital nurses, pointing out that her children were all senior citizens.
The siblings agreed that it was best that their mother had passed before her oldest son.
“She would have been so upset,” said one of the sisters. “He could be a troublemaker, but I think he was her favorite.”
“I just hope he doesn’t give them a hard time,” added a sister-in-law.
“What do you mean?” asked one of the brothers.
“Your parents in heaven, I mean …,” said the sister-in-law, eliciting laughter while not meaning to be funny.
The mother came from a large Irish-Catholic family. One of 11 children, she outlived all but one. So over the years, the siblings had paid their respects to many aunts and uncles.
Several years ago, when one of the uncles died, all the living uncles were gathered in an adjoining room at the funeral home. The uncles were drinking and chain smoking – and crying. Tears were flowing, really flowing – right up until the time one of the uncles (Uncle Larry, known for his dramatic flair) leaned back in his chair and flipped over backwards in it onto the floor. And then the tears stopped, suddenly, and turned to laughter.
Roaring laughter.
Wild, roaring laughter.
If you’re lucky enough to still be around when a family member, friend, or co-worker has passed – find something to laugh about.
Mark Ryan is an RN who lives in Tallahassee.
This article originally appeared on Tallahassee Democrat: How we get through the pain with humor when we lose a loved one | Mark Ryan
Reporting by Mark Ryan / Tallahassee Democrat
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