Most of us are familiar with Gabby Petito’s tragic story. How could we not be? It’s a love story that began beautifully and, in many ways, played out in public through carefully curated glimpses of her life on social media. Toward the end, when Gabby was missing, police body camera footage offered a chilling look at a relationship that was destined to end badly.
Gabby’s journey ended at a remote campsite in Wyoming’s Bridger-Teton National Forest. On Sept. 19, 2021, her remains were discovered. Authorities later determined that she died from strangulation and ruled her death a homicide.
Gabby and Brian Laundrie’s relationship began like many others, with young love, shared dreams, and a sense of hope. It ended tragically, echoing one of literature’s most haunting love stories: Shakespeare’s Othello.
That parallel matters.
Because neither story begins with violence.
In Othello, the Moor of Venice falls deeply in love with Desdemona. Their bond seems genuine, even defiant in its strength. Othello speaks of her with great respect. Desdemona willingly chooses him despite expectations. At first, it is a love story rooted in devotion.
Gabby and Brian’s relationship followed a similar pattern. High school sweethearts. Engagement. Living together. Shared plans. He showered her with attention. For a young woman, that kind of focus can feel reassuring; someone sees you, understands you, and chooses you.
Mags Lesiak, a psychological criminologist who studies coercive control, explains that the early stage of an abusive relationship can involve idealization, creating an emotional bond that can later make the relationship difficult to leave.
In both stories, what is initially perceived as love can mask the problem.
What follows is often less obvious.
In Othello, control doesn’t come through violence. It creeps in quietly, through suggestion and doubt, planted by the villain Iago and nurtured within Othello himself. Questions arise: Who has she spoken to? Can she be trusted? Why would she deceive me?
The questions seem small. The effect is not.
In Gabby’s case, what began as affection eventually changed. Friends later described “high highs and low lows,” emotional swings, and instability. That language appears again and again in domestic abuse cases, not necessarily as random chaos but as potential early signs that control is taking hold.
Lesiak describes coercive control as a pattern in which one person gradually limits another person’s autonomy and independence. Control rarely announces itself. It disguises itself. As a concern. As protectiveness. As love.
In Othello, Desdemona’s world narrows as Othello’s suspicions intensify. She finds herself explaining, apologizing, and trying to restore a balance that has already shifted beyond her grasp. Her independence gives way to submission.
The same pattern can be seen in Gabby’s story.
By summer 2021, as the couple traveled cross-country in a converted van, something had shifted. The relationship appeared increasingly troubled.
On Aug. 12, in Moab, Utah, that trouble became visible. Police stopped the couple after a 911 caller reported a man hitting a woman. Body camera footage shows Gabby visibly distressed, crying, apologizing, and blaming herself. Laundrie appeared calm. At one point, he described her to law enforcement as “manic.”
Determining the true nature of what was happening between Gabby and Laundrie was not easy for police to discern. In this case, officers separated them for the night rather than treating the encounter as a domestic violence arrest.
In Othello, there’s a similar moment of tragic misunderstanding. Othello’s growing sense of control and suspicion isn’t recognized as sinister. His authority, composure, and narrative mask the danger until it’s too late. Lesiak’s research helps explain why.
Control is not just about dominance; it is about dependency. The person being controlled can begin to doubt their perceptions, and self-doubt can replace confidence. The desire to maintain the relationship can outweigh the instinct to leave. That is the trap. Love doesn’t necessarily fade; instead, it can become tangled with fear, obligation, and the hope that the person will return to the beginning. Desdemona never stops loving Othello.
We cannot know everything Gabby felt or thought about her relationship. What we do know is that leaving an abusive or controlling relationship is rarely a simple decision. Gabby Petito died within weeks of the Moab encounter. It’s tempting, even comforting, to view her story and Othello as extremes or exceptions that sharply divide “us” from “them.” But that line is not as clear as we would like.
Lesiak’s work on coercive control shows how abusive relationships can develop gradually, often through manipulation and dependency, before escalating. By the time violence erupts, the groundwork may already have been laid. For those of us who work with survivors, the lesson is clear. We cannot wait for visible violence. We must learn to recognize control in its earliest stages: isolation disguised as devotion, jealousy disguised as care, and criticism disguised as concern.
At The Shelter for Abused Women & Children, we emphasize three commitments: Protect, Prevail, and Prevent. To protect, we must see the pattern sooner. To prevail, we must support survivors without judgment, recognizing that leaving is not a one-time decision but a process shaped by dependency, fear, and practical barriers. To prevent, we need to adjust how we teach about relationships, especially to young people, so that control is never mistaken for love. At the same time, patient observation and gentle questions can reveal whether what appears to be love is becoming controlling.
Gabby’s story, like Othello’s, is not simply about how a life ends. It is about how love, when overtaken by control, becomes something else. And how, if we are paying attention, we can see it unfolding long before the final act.
That is where the work begins. Not at the end. At the beginning.
This commentary reflects our commitment to survivor safety and dignity and is not intended to endorse or oppose any political party or candidate. Tom Doerr is a member of the Board of Trustees, The Shelter for Abused Women & Children, Naples. If you or someone you know may be experiencing domestic violence, confidential support is available 24/7 through The Shelter for Abused Women & Children at 239-775-1101 and the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
This article originally appeared on Naples Daily News: Abusive relationships can develop gradually | Opinion
Reporting by Tom Doerr / Naples Daily News
USA TODAY Network via Reuters Connect
By Tom Doerr | USA TODAY Network
