If we are our choices, as the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre argued, then we Californians are simply too much.
The latest example is the statewide voting now underway, an event that many mistakenly call “The Election.”
It’s really The Clusterf**k.
Open your mail ballot. There, you’ll see 61 Californians running for governor. On my L.A. ballot, gubernatorial candidate names run over three columns on one page, and an entire fourth column on a second page. As a result, voters may not find their preferred candidate on the ballot — or spoil their ballots by voting for one candidate in each column, or on each page — thus casting multiple votes and invalidating their ballots. How to make sense of this 61-candidate field? Divide the field in two. First are the Eight Flightless Reindeer, better-known contenders who can’t gain much altitude in the polls. If you can’t remember their names, sing along to the tune of a Christmas carol:
You know Xavi and Steyer and Porter and Hilton
Sheriff and Mahan and Villar and Thurmond The second, larger group, consists of 53 candidates — Herbie’s 53, like the Volkswagen Beetle fin the old Disney movies. All but two of Herbie’s 53 (Eric Swalwell and Betty Yee, who suspended their campaigns after ballots were printed) are unknown — except to their neighbors. Herbie’s 53 include 16 Democrats, 10 Republicans, 23 independents, and four minor party members. There’s a mathematician, a physicist, and a school bus driver. Their online platforms consist of vague platitudes about “affordability.” Among the 53, three names stand out.
Barack D. Obama Shaw, who changed his name from Cecil Shaw and ran unsuccessfully for mayor of Alameda.
LivingforGod AndCountry DeMott, an independent from Redding, who wants a state militia.
Thunder Paley, a San Jose software engineer whose platform focuses on utilities.
Why are they on the ballot?
My fellow Californians, it’s your fault. But not mine. I’ve spent decades issuing warnings against the top-two system’s perils. You didn’t listen and voted back in 2010 to adopt this “top two” system, which puts all candidates of all parties on the same ballot.
What should you do with your ballot? Who knows? The two parities haven’t endorsed a candidate. Major interest groups are endorsing multiple candidates, even though you can only choose one. My media brethren can’t even label our June election correctly; they call it a primary, even though it is the very opposite of that. My advice: Start with prayer.
Recite the 61st psalm, to honor our 61 gubernatorial candidates.
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Then, relax. Because elections aren’t democratic anyway. They are oligarchic, because only those with resources — money, media access, interest group backing — can win.
So, vote for whomever you want. If you’re deciding among the Eight Reindeer, I made list of one reason to vote for each, in no particular order. Antonio Villaraigosa was effective as Los Angeles mayor a generation ago. Could someone send a time machine to bring back 2005 Antonio now?
State Superintendent of Public Instruction Tony Thurmond eventually reopened the schools in 2021. Only took 14 months.
San Jose Mayor Matt Mahan, 43, is the only reindeer too young for AARP membership.
With Viktor Orban’s defeat, the world has no Trump-loving Hungarians in high office. Republican Steve Hilton, of Hungarian ancestry, would fill that void.
The election of MAGA Sheriff Chad Bianco would lead to a recall—unless Bianco seizes all the ballots first.
Katie Porter is smart, at least by the standards of Congress. California has never had a woman as governor.
In a time of volatile dictatorship, there’s nothing more reassuringly familiar than a dull, mediocre, lawyer like Xavier Becerra. With billionaire oligarchs backing the Trump dictatorship, Californians need our own billionaire oligarch to help us fight back. That’s Tom Steyer.
Or maybe there’s another choice, per Sartre: Just leave the ballot blank.
Joe Mathews writes the Connecting California column for Zócalo Public Square.
This article originally appeared on Ventura County Star: 61 gubernatorial candidates, 8 reindeer, Herbie’s 53 | Mathews
Reporting by Joe Mathews, Zócalo Public Square / Ventura County Star
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