This story was updated to add new information.
We’ve all had that friend. The one who drops a year’s salary on a one-day wedding with monogrammed cocktail ice and fireworks timed to the couple’s first kiss. You smile politely, wear the overpriced bridesmaid dress, and pretend the champagne tower wasn’t funded with a 401(k) withdrawal.
Now imagine that wedding, but with tanks.
Because on June 14, the 250th birthday of the U.S. Army and, coincidentally, the 79th birthday of President Donald Trump, we were all invited to his “Big Fat Military Parade.”
It was unnecessary. It was over the top. It was expensive. And yes — we paid for it.
So in the spirit of love, liberty, and judgment, here are 6 ways Trump’s parade was like your friend’s over-the-top gauche wedding:
Trump birthday parade a massive waste of money
Your friend spent $100,000 on a single day while still renting a studio apartment and paying 23.99% interest on her credit card balance. This parade? Same energy.
It was projected to cost up to $45 million dollars, but just like any good wedding, this one will likely blow the budget. We’re talking tens of millions of dollars for tanks, jets, porta-potties, and housing the troops. Let’s hope Rudy Giuliani’s appearance fee these days is just a bottle of scotch and partial immunity. That’s money that could actually help our troops and veterans with housing, healthcare, and food assistance.
Instead they were paraded around like GI Joe action figures at an America First themed birthday party with enough red, white, and blue smoke to make a bald eagle develop asthma.
Military parade about vanity and optics
Trump’s argument that tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue was a demonstration of “patriotism” is about as believable as your friend’s horse-drawn carriage, champagne wall and a third outfit change demonstrating her love and commitment to Chad.
This parade was about creating an Instagram thirst-trap but with tanks. Watch out for the coming social media content set to a Lee Greenwood soundtrack.
No one asked for this and we’re all paying for it
Just like a destination wedding, this isn’t something most people asked for — and yet, we’re the ones footing the bill. Americans struggling with rent, insulin costs, and groceries now get to sponsor the equivalent to a wedding in Bali they never RSVPed to — except instead of frequent flyer miles, they’re paying for it in federal deficit.
We didn’t ask for this. We didn’t budget for this. And we certainly didn’t need a military-themed engagement party for a man who avoided military service and now wants to wear patriotism like a rented tux.
The rest of us are left cleaning up the mess
After the wedding? Broken wine glasses, credit card debt, and a drunk cousin crying by the photo booth. After the parade? Damaged streets, a gross misuse of public funds, and a fresh round of international side-eye. And like any bad wedding, the rest of us are left with a hangover and haunting memories of forced applause.
Parade is giving off aspirational authoritarian chic
Some brides plan weddings that are less about a joyful union and more about going viral. She’s not inspired by love; she’s copying Kim Kardashian’s flower wall and Marie Antoinette’s budget. Trump’s parade Pinterest board seems to be emulating an aesthetic that is part Putin, part Kim Jong Un, with a little young Mussolini mustache twirl.
The whole thing screams “strongman pageantry,” except instead of tiaras and couture, we flexed tanks and fighter jets.
This isn’t normal. Celebration of America doesn’t need tanks.
Trump’s June 14 parade wasn’t intended to be about the country — just like your friend’s over the top wedding was less about commitment and more about drone footage of the Amalfi Coast.
Let’s stop pretending this is normal.
Like for many bridezillas, the day wasn’t the success Trump dreamed of. News of warfare in the Middle East, political assassinations in the Midwest and well attended ‘No Kings’ rallies across the country overshadowed the parade.
Maybe the lackluster coverage and execution will serve as a reminder that a true celebration of America doesn’t need tanks. Just like a good wedding doesn’t need a fog machine, a 17 piece big band or a commemorative hashtag.
If this really were a wedding? I’d give it six months.
Kristin Brey is the “My Take” columnist for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
This article originally appeared on Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: Trump’s military parade was like over-the-top wedding that ended up a flop | Opinion
Reporting by Kristin Brey, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel / Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
USA TODAY Network via Reuters Connect
