As a new school year begins, social media fills with back-to-school pictures. We see children smiling on front porches, wearing new clothes and carrying backpacks that sometimes seem nearly as big as they are. Parents proudly share these milestones and their hopes for a successful year.
But before children return to their classrooms, there is another important conversation families should have. We need to talk about bullying, not only how to recognize it, but also the impact our own words and actions can have on someone else.
When I was in elementary school, bullying was rarely discussed. It was often dismissed as teasing, a normal part of childhood or something children were expected to handle on their own. We understand its consequences better today, yet it continues. Technology has also allowed bullying to follow children beyond the classroom, playground and school bus. A cruel comment once may have been heard by a few classmates. Now it can be posted, forwarded or repeated in a group chat. It can reach dozens of people within minutes and remain on a screen long after the person who sent it has moved on.
Psychologists describe something called the “online disinhibition effect.” When people communicate through a screen, they may feel detached from the person receiving their words. They cannot see that person’s expression or immediate reaction. In a group chat, the pressure to fit in can make the situation worse. A child who might never insult someone alone may join others in doing so. One comment leads to another, and soon the group is attacking one person.
Parents should ask their children not only, “Is anyone bullying you?” but also, “Have you seen someone being bullied?” and, perhaps most importantly, “Have you participated in hurting or excluding someone?” Those questions may be uncomfortable, but they matter. We also need to ask where children learn how to speak about other people. Are they repeating comments they hear adults make? Do they hear people being mocked for their appearance, weight, background, beliefs or differences? Bullying can also happen within families. Children may watch relatives ridicule, exclude or repeatedly gang up on another family member. Sometimes they are even encouraged to take sides in an adult disagreement.
Children should never be used as participants in adult conflicts. They need to learn that disagreements can be handled directly and respectfully, without insults, personal attacks or recruiting others to join in. Children notice how adults handle conflict. They learn from what we say about relatives, neighbors, coworkers and even strangers online. Disagreement is not bullying, and children do not have to be friends with everyone. But they can learn to disagree without humiliating someone. They can refuse to join a group attack and tell a trusted adult when another child is being targeted.
Comments about appearance can be particularly damaging. A child may be wearing older clothing because the family is struggling financially. A change in weight or appearance may be related to an illness, medication or emotional distress. We rarely know everything another person is carrying. A few seconds of cruelty can leave a wound that lasts for years.
Bullying is not only a childhood problem. It can continue in college, families, workplaces and professional settings. The methods may become more subtle, but the desire to exclude, shame or overpower another person can remain.
If we want to reduce bullying among adults, we must address it early. As parents share those first-day photographs, let us also prepare children for the responsibility that comes with entering a community. Ask them to pause before posting, forwarding or joining in. Remind them that silence can encourage cruelty, while one person speaking up can change the direction of an entire group. A successful school year should not be measured only by grades, awards or accomplishments. It should also be measured by the kind of person a child is becoming and how that child makes others feel.
Maria Bendeck, DO, is a board-certified internal medicine physician and chair of the Department of Medicine at NCH. Her clinical work spans hospital medicine and concierge primary care, with a focus on personalized, relationship-centered care. She is also a health writer.
This article originally appeared on Naples Daily News: Back-to-school conversations should include bullying | Opinion
Reporting by Maria Bendeck / Naples Daily News
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By Maria Bendeck | USA TODAY Network
