Go Figure

By Reverend Joseph M. Esper

Originally Published on October 21st, 2018.


–A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station . . . Go Figure!

–If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

–I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

–If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with “Quit while you’re ahead”?

–Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

–What hair color do they list on driver’s licenses for bald men?

–I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me:  they were cramming.

–Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do—write to these men?  Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they deliver the mail?

–Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

–Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

–Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

–Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

–Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

–How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?

–If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

–If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?

–If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get it to stick to the pan?

–If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?

–Why do they put Braille dots on the key-pad of a drive-up ATM?

–Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

–Why is it when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

–What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane?

–If a fire fighter fights fires and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

–Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

–If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

–If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

–What’s one nice thing about egotists?  They don’t talk about other people.

–Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

–How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees?

–After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

–If you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

–Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

–My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

–Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts.

–Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

–I don’t suffer from stress; I’m a carrier.

–Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?


REVEREND JOSEPH M. ESPER is a priest of the Archdiocese of Detroit and pastor of Immaculate Conception parish in Anchorville, Michigan. He received his Master of Divinity degree from St. John’s Provincial Seminary in Plymouth, Michigan. Through the years, Father Joe has lectured at Marian conferences, appeared on EWTN, spoken on Catholic radio, and written more than a dozen articles for This Rock, The Priest, Homiletic and Pastoral Review, and other publications. He is also the author of numerous books, including Saintly Solutions, More Saintly Solutions, After the Darkness, Lessons from the Lives of the Saints, and Why Is God Punishing Me? In addition to Amazon, many of his most recent books are available through Queenship Publishing.

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