By Reverend Joseph M. Esper
Assorted Thoughts (Anonymous)
–Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
–Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouths closed?
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–Why you don’t ever the see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
–Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
–Why it is that doctors call what they do “practice”?
–Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons?
–Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
–Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?
–Why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food?
–Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
–Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
–You know that indestructible “black box” on airplanes—why don’t they make the whole airplane out of that stuff?
–Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
–Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
–If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” is “Congress” the opposite of “progress”?
–If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport building the terminal?
English nouns: Male or Female?
Kidney: female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Penlight: male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn’t very bright.
Sponges: female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Swiss Army Knife: male, because even though it appears useful for a variety of work, it spends much of its time just opening bottles.
Critic: female. What, this needs to be explained?
Hammer: male, because it hasn’t evolved much in the last 5000 years, but it’s handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.
Hot Air Balloon: female, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there’s the hot air part.
Tire: male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
Web Page: female, because it’s always getting hit on.
Shoe: male, because it is often unpolished and has its tongue hanging out.
Detective Novel: female, because you’re not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.
Ziploc Bags: male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Cars: female, because most of the time they’re okay, but it you mistreat them or don’t pay enough attention to them, they’ll soon break down.
Subway: male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
Hourglass: female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
Magic 8 Ball: male, because it gives mono-syllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.