A Reflection on Aging (Anonymous)

By Rev. Joseph M. Esper

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized at my age I really don’t give a fig anymore.  After all:

–If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

–A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and only drinks water, but is still fat.

–A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?  I DON’T THINK SO.  JUST GRANT ME THE SENILITY TO FORGET THE PEOPLE I NEVER LIKED, THE GOOD FORTUNE TO REMEMBER THE ONES I DO, AND THE EYESIGHT TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve learned:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6.  If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7.  It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
8. Some days you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here—I could use a few of them.
10. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
11. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
12. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He’d have put them on my knees.
13. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
15. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

WITH EVERYONE TWEETING AND TEXTING THESE DAYS, THERE OUGHT TO BE A STC (SENIOR TEXTING CODE).  THESE ARE MY SUGGESTED ABBREVIATIONS:

•  ATD: At the doctor’s.
• BTW: Bring the wheelchair.
• BYOT: Bring your own teeth.
• CUATSC: See you at the Senior Center.
• DWI: Driving while incontinent.
• GGPBL: Gotta go, Pacemaker battery low.
• LMDO: Laughing my dentures out.
• ROFL . . . CGU: Rolling on the floor laughing, and can’t get up.
• WAITT: Who am I talking to?

I like the story Mark Twain used to tell about an elderly Mississippi River boat pilot who, after retirement, lived past 100.  When he reached his 100th birthday, Twain interviewed him for a St. Louis newspaper and asked how he had reach such an old age.  The centenarian gave the expected response of avoiding bad habits and cultivating good ones, so Twain challenged him, “I know a man who followed that exact same regimen, but only lived to age 80—how do you account for that?”  The wise old man answered calmly, “He didn’t keep it up long enough.”