Perspectives

A Collection of Bulletin Bloopers

By Rev. Joseph M. Esper

Originally Published on September 19th, 2018

The following amusing mistakes from church bulletins were collected from around the country:

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–The sermon this morning:  “Jesus Walks on the Water.”  The sermon tonight:  “Searching for Jesus.”

–Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping, and requests tapes of Pastor Smith’s sermons.

–Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

–Please place your donation in the envelop along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

–The new directory will include the names of all the members and fiends of the church.

–Today’s lesion is from the Book of Lamentations.

–The Bored of Discipleship will meet to discuss Christian Witness today.

–Without vision, the people parish.

–We belong to the Untied Methodist Church.

–In the absence of the Rector, the Curate will take care of all pastoral cuties.

–The church Sunday school teachers’ luncheon will be gin at 12:30pm

–The congregation will remain seated to sign the second hymn.

–One of the most important decisions in seeking ordination as a minister is choosing the right cemetery.

–Share & Care Fellowship Program lick-off is on Jan. 20 from 9:30-11:30am.

–Bible study every Tuesday at 7pm.  Free parking and children available.

–Percy O’Dette is recovering from a broken femur on the hind leg.

–A special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet.  All who wish to do something on the carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.

–For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

–The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”

–If you’re willing to help with the church nursery, please write your name on the sigh-up sheet in the lobby.

–The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

–Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

–Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing service will be cancelled.

–Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

–From the bride and groom in a wedding program:  “We are honored that you are here today to share this millstone in our life.”

–Smile at someone who is hard to love, and say “hell” to someone who doesn’t like you.

–The opening hymn is “This Little Light of Mine,” #160 in the Lift Every Vice Hymnal.

–Today’s sermon:  “How Much Can A Man Drink?,” with hymns from a full choir.

All these humorous mistakes raise a question:  Do you suppose God laughs at the unintentionally funny things we say and do?  Perhaps so—but the one thing we can be sure of is that He loves us, He has always loved us, and He will always love us.  Happiness—and the ability to truly appreciate life’s ironies—comes from our willingness to love Him back.

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REVEREND JOSEPH M. ESPER is a priest of the Archdiocese of Detroit and pastor of Immaculate Conception parish in Anchorville, Michigan. He received his Master of Divinity degree from St. John’s Provincial Seminary in Plymouth, Michigan. Through the years, Father Joe has lectured at Marian conferences, appeared on EWTN, spoken on Catholic radio, and written more than a dozen articles for This Rock, The Priest, Homiletic and Pastoral Review, and other publications. He is also the author of numerous books, including Saintly Solutions, More Saintly Solutions, After the Darkness, Lessons from the Lives of the Saints, and Why Is God Punishing Me? In addition to Amazon, many of his most recent books are available through Queenship Publishing.
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